Almost two years ago, inspired by things I was reading and listening to and a bad cholesterol number, I resolved to get myself back into shape. I wanted to be strong enough to care for myself. I wanted to be strong enough to protect my family and those around me. I wanted to be strong enough for whatever emergencies might come our way.
In our backyard, chickens (and a goose) roam the orchard. Not only do we get more than enough eggs to share, but enough to preserve them in lime to get us through the winter. Though the fruit trees were planted by others, we have been making jam and drying the extras so that we can enjoy healthy snacks year round. We aren’t great gardeners, but I keep trying. Not only because fresh veggies just taste better, but because of the great satisfaction that comes from eating food we have grown ourselves. (Eventually we might even break even for all the money we have spent building beds and setting up irrigation.)
When my summer jobs and my hours working in the cafeteria could no longer cover my school bills, I couldn’t accept the idea of student loans. My dad offered to loan me money, interest free, but I couldn’t take it. I did what I had wanted to do since September 2001, my senior year of high school, I walked into the recruiter’s office and asked, “How do I join?”
Being self-sufficient is important to me. I want (need?) to be able to take care of myself and those around me. The stronger I am, the more I can do for others. As Paul says, “Let him work hard doing good with his own hands, so that he has something to share with a person who is in need” (Eph 4:8).
In my drive for self-sufficiency, my prayers often suffer. My first instinct is always “I will handle it” and not “take it to the Lord in prayer”. I pray daily as part of my devotions, praying through the scriptures. I pray in my sermon preparations, at meals, before bed, and for and with my family and the flock the Lord has given me. I believe in the power of prayer and the promises of God, but I confess that I am not always good at prayer. I am not as diligent in my prayers as Paul encourages, “Pray continually” (1 Thess 5:17).
These last weeks, I have been helpless. This month I have been worthless. All my workouts, all my growing and tending, all my financial security, all my learning and study, they are all insufficient. I am self-insufficient. My family is hurting. We have been completely caught off guard and blindsided by a grave diagnosis for one very close to us. I, who always have the words to say for others, was at a loss for words in my own home. I have no wisdom, no solution, no power to protect. I can do nothing to make things better.
We were still processing this hard news when we received word that a close family friend has fallen asleep in Jesus. She was suddenly and unexpectedly taken from this life. Her teen son is left with his grandparents. She had survived cancer and other serious health challenges. She had worked hard to care for the life the Lord had given her. He called her home. We love this family. They took us in when we were homeless due to my foolishness, even though their own lives were full of hardships. Her father is like an uncle to my wife. He was a positive influence and mentor to me when I was studying to be a pastor. Our hearts break for them. My heart aches from the loss. My wife and I held each other and wept. We are thankful for the hope of the resurrection. We do have the peace of Christ, but we are still shocked and sad. I can’t do anything about it. Nothing I can do will make it better.
Then this morning another message came. My uncle is in the hospital. Though they don’t know exactly what happened, he is on life support. I can barely think about it right now. I don’t know what to think. My heart is heavy. There is nothing I can do to make it better.
Except there is: I can pray. Prayer is the believer’s conversation with the Lord. All the hurt, all the pain, all the questions, all the fear and worry, God opens his ears to hear. The anger I feel over an unjust and sin-torn world, God understands. All the tears and sorrow which flows from our hearts, has also flowed from his. Jesus says, “Keep asking, and it will be given to you. Keep seeking, and you will find. Keep knocking and it will be open for you…If you know how to give good gifts to your children, though you are evil, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!” (Matt 7:7, 11). He promises, “Amen, Amen, I tell you: whatever you ask the Father in my name, he will give you” (John 16:23). As Christians were being hunted down and persecuted throughout the world, St. Peter encouraged them “Cast all you anxiety on him, because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7). Paul promised the in his letter to the Romans that the Holy Spirit, who dwells in us, knows the heart of God and he prays with us in ways words cannot even express. Along with the warrior king, David, the Christian can always bring all that is on our hearts to God. He will hear. He will act powerfully, mercifully, and wisely to bless us.
I live my life to be self-sufficient, but I am not, nor have I ever been sufficient. I feel like pleading to God to make it all go away. I know the devil is using these troubles to torment those I love. I can’t do anything to make it better, but God has spoken. “My grace is sufficient for you, because my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will be glad to boast all the more in my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may shelter me. That is why I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties for the sake of Christ. For whenever I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Cor. 12:9-10). I can be glad even though I am self-insufficient, and I can’t do a thing to help. These times have brought me to my knees for all those I love. In times like these I pray with an earnestness that I rarely have before. It is how I am always called to pray. Those we love are not in my weak hands. They are not under my unsteady care. They don’t depend on my foolish mind. They belong to the Lord. To him we pray. In Jesus name, God hears.